


Red Deception

by politeanarchy



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, Graphic descriptions of fruit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 05:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20595821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/politeanarchy/pseuds/politeanarchy
Summary: Eve answered him with more gravity than he'd expected. "All but that one," she said, pointing toward a tree that stood apart from the others. "The Lord pointed that one out, and said, 'Don't eat those, or you'll be really sorry.'"





	Red Deception

#### 4004 BC

Sunlight shone down on vegetation, every leaf perfect and clean-edged, the brilliant green of new growth. The woman walking among the plants was equally glowing in her unblemished beauty, as she stopped to speak with one of the animals.

"Hello, serpent," she said.

"Hello, Eve. Beautiful day, isn't it?"*

*Crawly didn't realize it, but he'd just invented small talk. By the time the commendation from Below arrived a couple of hundred years later, he would be much too distracted by other matters to have any idea what they meant by it.

Eve smiled, but had nothing to say about the weather. It had never occurred to her that there _was_ such a thing as weather. Instead, she reached up and picked one of the ripe fruits from a nearby tree. She bit into it elegantly, gracefully, without letting even a drop of fragrant juice run down her chin.

The serpent flicked his narrow tongue, and made a small, satisfied humming noise. "That smells lovely," he said. "What have you and Adam decided to call that one?"

"This is a peach. Would you like some?" She held it out, and the serpent waved his tongue over it, more smelling than tasting.

"Very nice," he said, watching her eat the rest of it. He was, he realized, fascinated by these humans. He'd been told to get up here and make some trouble, but so far he wasn't at all sure what that would be. Mostly he'd hung around, watching them explore everything in the garden, tasting fruit and smelling flowers, listening to birdsong, feeling the cool soft grass beneath their feet. Their bodies, full of finely-calibrated sensory apparatus, seemed as though they had been specially designed to experience and enjoy everything in the whole newly-made world. Crawly observed their delight, and was himself delighted. They weren't like any angel or demon he'd ever known.

When she had eaten all of the peach, Eve knelt down and pushed the seed into the soil. A rabbit was nosing around nearby, nibbling on some clover. Eve stroked its fur gently a few times, then turned and did the same to a large tiger which happened to be walking past. The tiger pushed its head cheerfully against her hands, nearly knocking her over, and she giggled at it. It sniffed briefly at the rabbit, as though mildly curious about it, and then wandered off into the trees.

Eve strolled along happily, and Crawly slithered along with her. From his low vantage point, he could see berries of several kinds: dark round ones on a low bush, some that were bright red and vaguely conical, and some translucent stripy green ones. Higher up, climbing vines and trees were also hung with multi-colored fruits of many shapes and sizes. Each of them had their own fragrance and flavor: some were rich and sweet, some bursting with tart juice, others subtle and delicate. It seemed to Crawly that there was no end to them. "Do you think you've tried them all by now?" he asked jokingly.

Eve answered him with more gravity than he'd expected. "All but that one," she said, pointing toward a tree that stood apart from the others. "The Lord pointed that one out, and said, 'Don't eat those, or you'll be really sorry.'"

"I wonder why," said Crawly. "They look nice enough."

They did. The tree was unremarkable, but the fruit was particularly handsome. Deep red, glossy, and with a complex recurving geometry that was very pleasing to the eye. More interesting than a lot of the other fruit Crawly had seen so far, which had been closer to just plain round.

Curious, Crawly slithered up the tree and along a branch, so he could get a closer look at the forbidden fruit. His tongue darted out, tasting the air. "Smells apple-ish," he said. "Was there any explanation of what would happen if you ate it? Does it rot your teeth, or something?"

"I don't know," said Eve. She stared thoughtfully at the tree. "It's supposed to give one the knowledge of good and evil, but I don't know what that means. Or what's bad about it."

"Bit of a conundrum, isn't it?" said Crawly. "You can't know what bad means until you know what bad means. Tricky." He waved himself back and forth over the fruit, thoughtfully. "And on the one hand, you're meant to be obedient, but on the other hand, you were also made to be curious."

"I _am_ curious," agreed Eve. "I keep thinking about what this might be like. How it would be different from all the other things I've tried. They've all been so good. So many different kinds of good! I can't help wondering what I might be missing out on, by not trying this one."

"Yeah, that makes sense. Gosh, what an infuriating little brain-teaser of a trap. Seems like it would only be a matter of time before—"

An apple fell from the tree. Maybe Crawly's investigations had loosened its stem. Maybe it was purely a coincidence of timing. These things are ineffable.

Eve moved her hand, by automatic instinct, and caught it.

She looked at the apple, and she looked at the serpent. Crawly made a sort of sinuous wriggling motion, that might have counted as a shrug.

"I'm in favor of curiosity, myself," he said.

The apple, or whatever it was, gleamed in the sun. Eve ran an exploring finger over its surface: softly pentagonal at the top near the stem, tapering slightly to five little nubs around the place where the blossom had been. Then, with a tiny huff of breath that could have been a laugh, she raised it to her mouth and bit it.

Crawly watched as she chewed, and her expression...changed. Something appeared in her eyes that he'd never seen in a human before. A kind of surprise, a disappointment, a slow crash into blank incomprehension. She was still chewing, pensively. She swallowed, twitched slightly, and blinked.

And then she ran, shouting.

"Adam! Adam, you have to try this! You'll never believe how weird it is!"*

*Ever since, the human race has been cursed with the compulsion to share unpleasant things. Which is why everyone says things like "Eww, I think this stuff in the fridge has gone bad. Smell it!"

* * *

Crawly waited until she was out of sight before he slithered back down the tree and re-shaped himself to look like a human being. His own curiosity was fully engaged, and he saw no reason not to indulge it. He'd already Fallen, after all. What more could a bite of fruit possibly do to him? Fruit tasted nice. As far as he'd been able to tell, that was more or less the whole point of fruit. But he really wanted to know what would have produced a reaction like Eve's.

So he grabbed another fruit from the tree and bit into it.

It didn't taste bad, exactly. It didn't taste good, either. It was slightly sweet, but there the resemblance to other fruit ended. The flavor had unsettling bitter undertones, and traces of something that wasn't quite strong enough to be called acrid. It was, if anything, disconcertingly bland. He kept expecting it to taste like something, but it tasted like dull, pointless, almost-nothing. Just, a little bit, like wrongness and regret. Its beautiful dark-red glossy skin was unexpectedly tough and hard to chew; bits of it got stuck between his teeth. Inside, it was off-white and had the texture of wet cardboard pulp.

If he hadn't had any doubts about the Creator before, this fruit would have introduced them. How could an allegedly omnipotent being deliberately make something so...icky? Why would they bother? What could possibly be the point? Could the Supreme Being have somehow made a mistake? It made no sense.

He was so nonplused by his first bite that he took another, in case he had missed something. But it was exactly as mushily unpleasant as before. He was just tossing the rest of the thing away into some undergrowth when he heard a sudden commotion. It sounded like Adam and Eve were extremely upset about something. Quickly, he turned himself back into a snake, and slithered off in the direction of the noise, to see what was going on.

* * *

Ah. They were being chased by the tiger. That would explain the incoherent screams. But it looked like the tiger was running away from something too—something bright and flickering.

_Ohshitohshitohshit_ hissed Crawly, nearly tying himself in knots as he made a panicky U-turn. It was the angel with the flaming sword. Possibly he was there to inflict some Wrath of God on the unfortunate humans, but Crawly was pretty sure he'd be in for a smiting as well, if the angel noticed him. He concentrated on getting away as fast he could, while trying not to make any noise. So he was too far away to be able to tell exactly what happened. There was some distant conversation, followed by a grinding noise as of stone on stone, and a holy beam of light shining down for a few brief moments, just outside the wall. Then silence.

Crawly dithered. Something had happened. Now it appeared to be over. Should he stay hidden for a little longer? Was it safe to investigate? Cautiously tasting the air, he snaked toward the wall. He couldn't smell the flaming sword, at any rate, so this was probably a good place to climb up and try to get a better view. He stretched himself up, his shape beginning to flow and change, and damned if the angel wasn't standing right there. _Aaargh!_ he thought. _I'll just, I'll just, er, play it cool, then._

Now that he had the advantage of human height, he could see Adam and Eve walking away into the desert. He turned to the angel, and tried for nonchalance. "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."

* * *

It was a couple of days later. The rain had fallen, and then the temperature had dropped. Some parts of the garden had been hit with frost, withering flowers and shriveling leaves. Crawly missed the humans. He wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, now that they weren't around. He thought he should probably follow them, but was reluctant to do so. Not only did the desert look like it would be uncomfortable and boring to hang around in, but he was feeling guilty about how much trouble he'd already caused for them, and didn't want to make things worse. Which worried him, because he was pretty sure a demon shouldn't feel bad about having done his job.

The angel had spent some time wandering around, apparently trying to tidy things up here and there. Crawly had continued to chat with him whenever they crossed paths, and refused to admit to himself that he was probably following the angel around specifically to encourage conversation. Now, he decided, he was definitely going to go do something else, in the opposite direction. Do a bit of exploring on his own. He found himself in amongst a lush patch of grapevines, which had been badly damaged by frost. The fruit was now thawed and squidgy, and the air was full of an unfamiliar sour smell, the result of a chemical process that would much later be known as "fermentation."

It smelled...interesting. Crawly's curiosity took charge again, and he tried an experimental taste. Some time later, he giggled, and called out, "Oi, Angel! Angel, you have to try this! You'll never believe how weird it is!"

And it was a considerable time after _that_, that one slightly tipsy angel and one slightly tipsy demon decided to head out into the desert together, to find Adam and Eve and see what had become of them.

* * *

#### 1941 AD

In the back room of his bookshop, Aziraphale was contemplating an apple. It was a kind he'd never tried before. Red Delicious, they called it. By some strange coincidence, it looked exactly like the ones that had caused such a lot of difficulty, all those centuries ago. Perhaps that was why he found himself thinking about Crowley. Crowley, who he hadn't seen in nearly eighty years, and who he didn't miss at all, honestly, or wonder what he was up to lately and if he was doing all right.

Aziraphale tied the books together carefully, and set them aside before he picked up the fruit. They were pristine and extremely valuable books, and he wouldn't want to risk damaging them with a stray drip of juice. The apple was disappointingly mushy and tasteless. He sighed, and reminded himself that fruit was hard to come by, in wartime. He should be glad to have it at all, not compare it to better things eaten in happier times.

He was suddenly melancholy, as he dropped the apple core into a wastebasket. War! For the second time in a century, the world was fighting on a huge scale. Aziraphale wondered if it was his fault, since he was the one who had given humanity the sword all that time ago. He'd been trying to protect them. It was what he'd been created for. He'd never expected them to do something like _this_ with it. But here they were, and he felt guilty about how much trouble he'd caused for them, in trying to help. Which worried him, because he was pretty sure an angel shouldn't feel bad about having done his job.

"Chin up," he told himself. "Tonight I'll be doing my part to help the war effort. I may not be thwarting the wiles of an actual demon, but surely it's at least as good to be ruining some of the Führer's schemes. And maybe I can prove to Crowley that I have a few cunning wiles of my own! Not that Crowley will ever know about it. Or that I care what he thinks. Certainly not. Hmph."

And with a look of steely determination in his eye, Aziraphale picked up the books, and headed for his rendezvous at the church.

**Author's Note:**

> This started from the idea that Red Delicious apples are so bad they cause you to question things you'd previously had faith in. It grew slightly more of a plot as I wrote it, but only slightly.
> 
> Come visit me on [Tumblr](https://politeanarchy.tumblr.com)!


End file.
